Certain realities are better imagined than experienced. After my mum passed, it was agreed that no one should inform me so I don’t do something stupid. The news came in a ridiculous way and rang in my ear for days before my universe caved in. It was a bright Sunday, but a chain of mysterious events woke up at dawn, stifling the hope and radiance of a Sunday in July.
Two weeks ago, I had refused to return to school because my Mum was sick, but she insisted saying she would be fine. On the eve of the day I left Umuahia for UNN, I had embraced her, both of us crying and I promised to take care of her. I never kept my promise. Well life happened but it still hurts. At first, Mum spoke faintly after I returned to school, but soon, my Dad would say she was sleeping each time I called. Truth was, she was in coma.
On the Sunday morning my universe buckled, I grew weak as I was helping in decorating the hall for fellowship. I took permission and went to the hostel. I was hungry and tired. First, my moimoi from the previous night had spoilt. I made pap, just to eat something. The pap was watery although I had the great skill of making pap. I was drowning in my helplessness when my immediate elder brother called. He simply asked if I’d heard what he heard, and when I said no, he said our Mum was dead. My first thought was to jump down the four storey building. Emptiness filled me up. And soon, my wailing filled up the room.
This emptiness has grown over the years. Sometimes it feels like a dream even after 9 years of her demise. I’ve cried countless times wishing for the impossible. I still have a mild envy for adults whose parents are alive.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
In the words of Helen Keller, “When you turn toward the sunshine, the shadows fall behind you.” I started living again after I turned to God, my sunshine. Looking back, I see how God has been patient with me while I navigated my grief, while I questioned Him endlessly, while I grew distant from Him. As July draws closer and I again wished my Mum were here, I’m also reminded of how God has been faithful, the lessons I’ve learnt and the blessing of having my Mum as my mother. I hope you find gratitude amidst the pains and scars of life.
Kwame grabbed Nneka’s hand as she danced. She sat easily on the barber’s chair’s handle, her eyes spewing untamed seduction. Kwame’s dark and huge body filled the chair, dark lust filling him. Sitting behind them, waiting to get a haircut, uneasiness fell on me. My young mind was aflame with both anger and desire. I knew Kofi’s wife. She had a baby and we were living in the same house. Anger. Will he kiss her in front of me?
I marvelled. I willed to run away because immorality was breeding before me, but I also willed to engulf this insanity, my curious mind begged. Desire. When Kwame’s Ghanian thin lips locked with Nneka’s Nigerian broad lips, I felt the heat of betrayal, evil. How does a man betray his wife and in front of a teenager? Disrespect. Yes, he wasn’t legally married to his wife, but for someone with a child less than 2 years, it was absurd. This godless passionate kiss lasted for a moment before Nneka pulled away. Kofi persuaded, but she slided off to the street.
This memory has stayed with me for years. I think about it and I always see how lost man is without God, how evil brews in the heart of man, how inhumane man can be, how it’s foolish and ungodly to trust man. I would have been the first to cast a stone on Kofi, but I’ve conceived dirtier acts and I’ve done terrible things no one knows about. Thanks be to God who continuously helps the saints in our journey of faith, never letting go when we fail, always hoping that we grow into his fullness.
Jude 1:24-25 NIV – To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!.
